


Drink Me

by Draycevixen



Series: Gean-Jeanie [1]
Category: Life on Mars (UK)
Genre: Crack, Genderswap, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-03-10
Updated: 2011-03-10
Packaged: 2017-10-15 18:34:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,744
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/163689
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Draycevixen/pseuds/Draycevixen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A cautionary tale of what can happen when you drink the wrong thing...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Drink Me

.

Gene wasn’t drunk enough by half. He could still hear every single word the little twat was whining in his ear.

“Procedure Gene! For God’s sake Barker almost got off because you wouldn’t follow procedure!”

“You get off on procedure, Tyler. D’you rub off on the rule book when we’re not around? Fondle the filing cabinet, stroke the folders?”

“We’re not here to discuss me.”

“No you’re right. We’re supposed to be getting drunk. Hoisting a few to celebrate our victory over the scum. Shut up and buy me a drink like a good little deputy.”

“Screw you Guv.”

“Just a drink will be fine thanks, Tyler.”

Sam wandered off muttering about rules and Gene managed to focus clearly enough to see the back of the bar. _Look at all those lovely brightly coloured bottles._ Nelson was nowhere to be seen. Gene staggered to his feet and managed to make it back behind the bar with only one sudden drop in altitude halted by a convenient bar stool.

 _What’s it to be? Single Malt? Gin? Vodka? What’s this?_ The small purple bottle was labelled “Drink me.” _Well Tyler says I have to learn to follow instructions._ He uncorked the bottle and sniffed it, then took a sip. _Tastes like apples_. He tipped the bottle, drank it down and the room began to spin. _That’s more like it!_

“Nelson, you see the Guv?”

“Think he went to the Gents, Sam.”

“S’long as he isn’t driving home, he’s as pissed as I’ve ever seen him. I’m going to try to get his keys off him.”

“Been nice knowing you, Sam.”

Nelson moved back behind the bar swiping idly at things with a bar towel. He picked up the little purple bottle and realizing it was empty, whirled to face Sam.

“Did you drink this?”

“Course not.”

“Then what stupid bloody idiot…”

“TYLER!”

Sam moved instinctively in response to the distress in that voice. Flying through the door of the Gents, he realized the place was empty except for Gene, who was standing at the urinal.

“What are you yelling for Guv?”

“It’s gone!”

“Why d’you sound like you're channelling Marlene Dietrich?”

“I’m not going to be channelling anyone ever again if I don’t find it.”

“Find what?”

“Me cock.”

“Christ Guv, just how drunk are you?”

As Sam watched from behind he could tell Gene was digging around frantically under the open camel hair coat.

“It’s gone! Me enormous great cock is missing.”

“Can’t be that big if you can’t find it, Guv. Maybe you left it in your other trousers. I knew you were drunk but if y’think I’m going to help you piss you’re out of your fucking mind. Sit down in one of the bogs.”

“I’m not bloody imagining it Tyler. Look!”

“I’m not falling for the latest line in CID humour. Is Ray in here somewhere?”

Gene span around to face Sam, still frantically digging around in his trousers.

“This has bloody well gone far enough!” Sam was now clenching and unclenching his fists. “Get out here now. Guv! Carling!”

“I’m right here Tyler. Why you bloody yelling?”

“You wankers!” Sam bent down to look for legs under the doors. “Think I’m drunk enough to fall for this one?”

“What the hell are you talking about?” Gene lurched forward to grab Sam by his shirt. _That’s bloody odd. I’m taller than him. Why am I looking at his neck? Did I fall down?_

Sam peeled Gene’s hands from his shirt. “I don’t know who you are Miss, but this isn’t funny.”

Gene ran him backwards into the wall and punched him in the gut. _Damn my hand hurts!_ Gene moved in tight to crowd him, breathing beer fumes in Sam’s face.

“Who you calling ‘Miss,’ Tyler?”

Sam stared hard into Gene’s eyes, a sudden look of horror sweeping across his face.

“Gene? Bugger it is you! I’d bloody well know those eye… that punch anywhere! What the hell happened?”

Gene became aware of two things at the same time. Sandwiched between their bodies were a fine set of breasts and an equally fine erection. _What in buggering hell?_

Gene stepped back and looked down. The breasts were on him and the erection… wasn’t. He ripped open the front of his shirt, buttons spilling everywhere to reveal as magnificent a set of breasts as he’d ever seen. He weighed them carefully in his palms.

“Guv could you stop that. Now!”

Sam was trying to focus over Gene’s shoulder.

 _He really is a girl. Look at these beauties!_ “Anything to protect your modesty Gladys.”

Gene pulled his shirt closed and knotted it at the waist. He shoved his hands back into his trousers, reaching into his underpants.

“It’s a complete set.”

“Let me see.” Sam stepped forward.

“In your dreams, Tyler. I’m not that sort of girl.”

Gene’s legs went out from under him as he sunk to the floor. “Not supposed to be any kind of girl.”

He stared up at Tyler. _At least his erection seems to have gone. Guess breasts will have an impact on a man no matter who they’re hanging off._

Sam moved to sit next to Gene.

“What’s the last thing you remember doing, Guv?”

“There was this little bottle behind the bar marked… NELSON!”

As Gene scrambled back to his feet, impeded by his now over-sized clothes and shoes, Nelson slowly entered the Gents.

“It worked then.”

Sam jumped to his feet to save Gene from committing murder. Holding Gene back was surprisingly only slightly easier than usual. Sam didn’t even think about letting go until Gene stopped cursing.

“Sorry but you shouldn’t have drunk it. Something a friend left with me for safe keeping. Don’t know where he got it exactly but it was supposed to be a gift for a doctor friend of his. He says it wears off in a few days. Nothing to be done about it until then.”

“I’ll kill you! What am I supposed to do stuck like this?”

Gene slumped against Sam who felt it now safe to release him.

“You could come home with me Guv.”

“Not a chance!” Gene pulled his coat tighter around him. “What would your neighbours think?”

“But you’ve stayed over at mine a few times when you’ve had one too many.”

“I wasn’t a girl then, Sam.”

“You’re a prude? For christssake Guv, don’t you think some of the neighbours already think that we’re…”

“If you finish that sentence you’re a dead man.” Gene fisted Sam’s coat collar. “You hear me Tyler?”

“Right Guv. Then what do you suggest?”

“Take me to mine. We’ll sort it out from there.”

“Your wife?”

“’s away for a few days."

“Right then.”

***

Gene’s house was in a shambles. The sink was full of dishes and it didn’t look like anything had been dusted in weeks.

“Your wife’s only been gone a few days?”

“Shut it Tyler, I…”

“Just thought she’d be a better housekeeper that’s all.”

 _Just for once couldn’t he have Carling’s detective skills?_ “Right. You guessed it Tyler, with that big arse brain of yours. She left me. Happy now? Left a note explaining why. Grown apart. Demands of me job. Standard tripe.”

“Where’d she go?”

“She’s staying with Phyllis. They’re sharing expenses. They’ve got really close over the last few years.”

“How close Guv? D’you think it’s possible that they…”

“If you finish that sentence I’ll smother you with me breasts.”

“Promises, promises.”

Gene waited, expecting Sam to return relentlessly to the topic at hand as he always did, but it didn’t happen. _Well fuck me blind and call me Mavis!_

Gene hung his coat by the back door and leaned against the Formica table. His shirt gaped as he thrust his hands into his pockets.

“Breasts!”

“You’re obsessed Tyler.”

“No. Breasts as in I can see yours… them again. You need to find another shirt. Something with buttons still on it.”

Gene glanced down. _He really wants me to put these away. Just how queer is he?_ “Right. I’ll be right back Tyler. Make some tea.”

***

"You’ve been gone a while Guv. Playing with your new toys?”

“Some of us are known for our self-control.”

Sam’s laughter was loud in the kitchen.

“So you’re the one who always has a plan. How we going to handle this?”

Sam turned around to face Gene dropping his tea mug in shock. Gene was wearing a green knitted tank top over a matching shirt paired with deeper green flared trousers.

“Love the outfit Guv. Really brings out the colour of your eyes.”

“Shut it Tyler or I’ll bring out the colour on your eyes.”

“Where d’you get the outfit or was Hoover not an isolated case?”

“Hoover? D’you mean Fred Hoover over at The Rose and Crown?”

“Never mind Guv.” Sam bit down a smile. “Just wondering where you found the ladies clothing.”

“The missus left a few things when she went. Seems a bit tight but they fit better than anything of mine right now.”

Gene moved forward to pick up the other mug of tea.

“Bra?”

“Is this just blurt a word day?”

“You need a bra. You’re… bouncing a little too much when you walk.”

“Not bloody likely. That Tyler, is a bridge too far.”

“Once you’ve put the knickers on why…”

Gene drank swiftly from his mug.

“You do have knickers on, don’t you Guv?”

“Me Y-fronts wouldn’t fit under here.”

Sam stared at Gene’s hips and then raised his eyes to Gene’s breasts.

 _How do women stop themselves from just killing us in our sleep? Christ, now I’m thinking like a girl._ Gene slammed his mug down on the table. “Me face is up here Tyler! So genius. What are we going to do?”

“Nelson says it’ll wear off in a few days. So it’s simple. You hole up here and I tell them you’re sick. No one else need ever know.”

“Not bloody likely. Not leaving you in charge of CID. I’m going into work and I’m going to…”

“Intimidate people with your breasts? Best you stay here, Guv until this wears off.”

“I’m still the Sheriff here” Gene cupped his breasts “even if me badge would stick out too much on these.”

Sam climbed hurriedly to his feet, again focusing over Gene’s shoulder.

“Right then Guv, I’ll see you in a few days. Lock up after me and don’t talk to any strange men.”

“How can I? You’re leaving.”

.


End file.
